I've had this on my computer for a long time. I edited the original version. My apologies if you have seen it before:
Glories of Southern College Football
Another reason why the South is great! Planning for the College football season in the South is radically different from up North. For those who are planning a football trip in the South, here are some helpful hints:
Women's Accessories and Attire:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. Long Johns, fur lined
gloves, ear muffs, wool scarf, battery powered foot warmer, and a thick wool coat.
SOUTH: Two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, sun tan lotion, and a fifth of bourbon. Either a tight
fitting team t-shirt with Daisy Duke denims or a thigh high low cut dress in team colors.
Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman Trophy Winners and Confederate Generals.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also Physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani, Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, Barry Manilow
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie Manning, George Rogers, Elvis Presley
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: Walk up to ticket window 30 minutes before game and purchase ticket.
SOUTH: Donate a scholarship and HOPE you can purchase ticket.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on
Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over
students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: Parking lots open an hour before kickoff.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Thursday for the weekend festivities.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up at dawn, has a beer and cold pizza for breakfast, and rushes
over to the stadium where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and
wave to the fans up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from
their campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Tailgate out of the trunk of the car. Cook bratwurst on a grill, drink a few beers with
lime, and listen to the pre-game radio show that starts 30 minutes before kickoff.
SOUTH: RV’s, SUV’s, Hummers, and 4 wheel drive pick-up trucks adorned with team decals,
team flags, team license plates, and team paint scheme. Coleman 8,000 watt generator
with wheel kit. Satellite dish and 50 inch Plasma High Definition home theatre. Radio
tuned to one of several pre-game shows that start 6 hours before kickoff. 16 x 16
canopy, card table, table cloth, paper plates, napkins and koozies all sporting team color
and logos. A pig cooked on a 20 foot custom built cooker that was fired up at dawn,
BoJangles fried chicken, steaks, grilled mushrooms and onions, hamburgers, hotdogs,
spicy buffalo wings, fried pork skins, boiled jumbo shrimp, pickled eggs, slaw, dill
pickles, deviled eggs, potato salad, pickled pigs feet, sliced cucumbers, squash casserole,
beanie weenies with brown sugar, jambalaya, pickled okra, sliced tomatoes, boiled
peanuts, potato chips, boiled crawfish, fresh peaches, brownies, pecan pie, sweet potato
pie, banana pudding, Cheer-wine and Sun Drop for the kids, several coolers of beer, and
4 bottles of bourbon. Tail gate party accompanied with live performance by the "Dave
Matthews Band," who come over during breaks for a cold beer and a hit of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Hot chocolate and coffee served in a Styrofoam cup.
SOUTH: Cold soda served in a jumbo plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less
than half way to ensure enough room for bourbon.
Invocation:
NORTH: None.
SOUTH: 100,000 heads bowed in silence as a Southern Baptist Preacher gives thanks to the
Almighty for all things good, prays for the safety of our troops and their loved ones back
home, prays for the safety of the players and fans, prays that everyone displays good
sportsmanship and arrives home safely after the game, and prays that the home team
opens up a big can of whup-ass on the visitors - “In the name of Jesus, Amen”.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Anthem played over the loud speaker. Stands are less than half full, and less than half of
the fans stand up.
SOUTH: National Anthem preceded by a melody of patriotic songs performed by the University
Band, including, “America the Beautiful”. National Anthem then played by University
band and colors presented by University ROTC. Anthem sung by a University Professor
of Music who makes Pavarotti sound like Yoko Ono. Huge American flags unfurled on
the field. Patriotic scenes displayed on stadium jumbo screen. F-16’s perform a flyover.
A parachutist wearing the home team uniform drops in with the game ball. 100,000
fans stand and sing in perfect four-part harmony, with hats off and hands over their
hearts. Some fans sing, “Dixie”.
Radio Announcers:
NORTH: Radio announcer has a Masters Degree in “Broadcast Journalism” and doubles as a
weather forecaster on local TV. He attended college somewhere else, knows more about
soccer than football, and is neutral.
SOUTH: Announcer is a former star player who knows everything there is to know about football
and bleeds the school color. He harmonizes with the crowd during the Alma Mater with
a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his school and team.
After the First Score:
NORTH: Polite applause.
SOUTH: Uncontrolled screaming and delirium, a cannon fires, the jumbo screen goes berserk,
fireworks go off, decibel level reaches 180, Mascot does pushups, stands sway side to
side, a fan falls from the upper deck, the smell of bourbon and chewing tobacco is in
the air.
Bathroom Break (Male):
NORTH: No waiting. Everyone pees into one of a half dozen urinals.
SOUTH: Five minute wait as line is 4 wide and extends ten feet out of the bathroom entrance.
Everyone pees into a 40 foot long troth. Somebody yells, “Flush twice, it’s a long way to
Clemson!!”
Bathroom Break (Female):
NORTH: No waiting. Everyone pees in one of a half dozen toilets.
SOUTH: Fifteen minute wait as a double line extends out of the bathroom entrance, 50 feet
down the concourse, and intermingles with the concession line. Everyone pees into a 40
foot long troth.
Halftime:
NORTH: Half the fans leave out of fear of freezing to death. 150 member Marching band walks
onto the field in formation and turns to face home crowd. While marching in place, they
play some selections from, “The Sound of Music”.
SOUTH: The PA Announcer states that half time will start with a “Tribute to NASCAR”. Fans out
in the concourse rush back to their seats. A dozen race cars roar out from the tunnel
and roll down the sideline sporting neon colors and sponsorships ranging from
erectile dysfunction medication to motor oil. The fans cheer. The PA announcer then
introduces five NASCAR legends - Richard Petty, Cale Yarborough, Bobby Allison,
David Pearson, and Buddy Baker. 100,000 fans rise to their feet and cheer their
Southern Heroes as they stride to mid-field. As they reach mid-field the ovation comes
to a fever pitch and the decibel level reaches 150. Cale accuses Bobby of putting him in
the wall at the 1971 Holly Farms 400. Petty, Pearson and Baker separate them. A fan
falls from the upper deck, the smell of bourbon and chewing tobacco is in the air.
The PA Announcer then asks for a moment of silence in memory of Dale Earnhardt.
100,000 fans silently remove their hats and bow their heads with 3 fingers in
the air. Grown men weep.
After the NASCAR Tribute, the 700 member University Marching Band struts out on the field to the beat of a lively drum cadence with 100 flag bearers, 150 dance team members, and 16 baton twirlers. They perform an array of songs immortalized by, “Leonard Skynyrd” – all while marching a dizzying drill routine performed in perfect unison and harmony. The performance ends with a bonus rendition of, ”Louie, Louie”. The stands sway to and fro as the fans dance and mumble the few words they know.
Game Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch – break his legs when you tackle him."
Game Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My goodness, that was a violent tackle."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch – break his legs when you tackle him."
When a Visiting Player is Injured:
NORTH: Fans make a run to the concession for more coffee and hot chocolate.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans stand and stare at the hurt player in complete silence. As the injured
player is gently placed onto the cart and driven into the tunnel, the fans applaud
and silently think to themselves, “Damn good hit, we finally got that sumbitch out of the
game”.
Commentary When the Kicker Misses an Extra Point:
NORTH:“Oh well, it’s only one point.”
SOUTH:“Dammit, you sorry sumbitch - why can’t we get that Nigerian on our soccer team to
kick?”
After the Game:
NORTH: Players and coaches immediately shuffle off to the locker room. Parking lot emptied 30
minutes after the game ends.
SOUTH: Teams gather at mid-field to either fight or pray. Players walk perimeter of the field
while looking up into the stands for relatives and friends and raise their helmets in
tribute to their loyal fans. University band plays until all fans have left the stadium.
Another pig is thrown on the cooker. Somebody makes a run for more beer and
bourbon. Planning begins for next week's game. Parking lot finally emptied the next
morning.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern Football!!!!
Glories of Southern College Football
Another reason why the South is great! Planning for the College football season in the South is radically different from up North. For those who are planning a football trip in the South, here are some helpful hints:
Women's Accessories and Attire:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. Long Johns, fur lined
gloves, ear muffs, wool scarf, battery powered foot warmer, and a thick wool coat.
SOUTH: Two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, sun tan lotion, and a fifth of bourbon. Either a tight
fitting team t-shirt with Daisy Duke denims or a thigh high low cut dress in team colors.
Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman Trophy Winners and Confederate Generals.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also Physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani, Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, Barry Manilow
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie Manning, George Rogers, Elvis Presley
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: Walk up to ticket window 30 minutes before game and purchase ticket.
SOUTH: Donate a scholarship and HOPE you can purchase ticket.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on
Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over
students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: Parking lots open an hour before kickoff.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Thursday for the weekend festivities.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up at dawn, has a beer and cold pizza for breakfast, and rushes
over to the stadium where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and
wave to the fans up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from
their campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Tailgate out of the trunk of the car. Cook bratwurst on a grill, drink a few beers with
lime, and listen to the pre-game radio show that starts 30 minutes before kickoff.
SOUTH: RV’s, SUV’s, Hummers, and 4 wheel drive pick-up trucks adorned with team decals,
team flags, team license plates, and team paint scheme. Coleman 8,000 watt generator
with wheel kit. Satellite dish and 50 inch Plasma High Definition home theatre. Radio
tuned to one of several pre-game shows that start 6 hours before kickoff. 16 x 16
canopy, card table, table cloth, paper plates, napkins and koozies all sporting team color
and logos. A pig cooked on a 20 foot custom built cooker that was fired up at dawn,
BoJangles fried chicken, steaks, grilled mushrooms and onions, hamburgers, hotdogs,
spicy buffalo wings, fried pork skins, boiled jumbo shrimp, pickled eggs, slaw, dill
pickles, deviled eggs, potato salad, pickled pigs feet, sliced cucumbers, squash casserole,
beanie weenies with brown sugar, jambalaya, pickled okra, sliced tomatoes, boiled
peanuts, potato chips, boiled crawfish, fresh peaches, brownies, pecan pie, sweet potato
pie, banana pudding, Cheer-wine and Sun Drop for the kids, several coolers of beer, and
4 bottles of bourbon. Tail gate party accompanied with live performance by the "Dave
Matthews Band," who come over during breaks for a cold beer and a hit of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Hot chocolate and coffee served in a Styrofoam cup.
SOUTH: Cold soda served in a jumbo plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less
than half way to ensure enough room for bourbon.
Invocation:
NORTH: None.
SOUTH: 100,000 heads bowed in silence as a Southern Baptist Preacher gives thanks to the
Almighty for all things good, prays for the safety of our troops and their loved ones back
home, prays for the safety of the players and fans, prays that everyone displays good
sportsmanship and arrives home safely after the game, and prays that the home team
opens up a big can of whup-ass on the visitors - “In the name of Jesus, Amen”.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Anthem played over the loud speaker. Stands are less than half full, and less than half of
the fans stand up.
SOUTH: National Anthem preceded by a melody of patriotic songs performed by the University
Band, including, “America the Beautiful”. National Anthem then played by University
band and colors presented by University ROTC. Anthem sung by a University Professor
of Music who makes Pavarotti sound like Yoko Ono. Huge American flags unfurled on
the field. Patriotic scenes displayed on stadium jumbo screen. F-16’s perform a flyover.
A parachutist wearing the home team uniform drops in with the game ball. 100,000
fans stand and sing in perfect four-part harmony, with hats off and hands over their
hearts. Some fans sing, “Dixie”.
Radio Announcers:
NORTH: Radio announcer has a Masters Degree in “Broadcast Journalism” and doubles as a
weather forecaster on local TV. He attended college somewhere else, knows more about
soccer than football, and is neutral.
SOUTH: Announcer is a former star player who knows everything there is to know about football
and bleeds the school color. He harmonizes with the crowd during the Alma Mater with
a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his school and team.
After the First Score:
NORTH: Polite applause.
SOUTH: Uncontrolled screaming and delirium, a cannon fires, the jumbo screen goes berserk,
fireworks go off, decibel level reaches 180, Mascot does pushups, stands sway side to
side, a fan falls from the upper deck, the smell of bourbon and chewing tobacco is in
the air.
Bathroom Break (Male):
NORTH: No waiting. Everyone pees into one of a half dozen urinals.
SOUTH: Five minute wait as line is 4 wide and extends ten feet out of the bathroom entrance.
Everyone pees into a 40 foot long troth. Somebody yells, “Flush twice, it’s a long way to
Clemson!!”
Bathroom Break (Female):
NORTH: No waiting. Everyone pees in one of a half dozen toilets.
SOUTH: Fifteen minute wait as a double line extends out of the bathroom entrance, 50 feet
down the concourse, and intermingles with the concession line. Everyone pees into a 40
foot long troth.
Halftime:
NORTH: Half the fans leave out of fear of freezing to death. 150 member Marching band walks
onto the field in formation and turns to face home crowd. While marching in place, they
play some selections from, “The Sound of Music”.
SOUTH: The PA Announcer states that half time will start with a “Tribute to NASCAR”. Fans out
in the concourse rush back to their seats. A dozen race cars roar out from the tunnel
and roll down the sideline sporting neon colors and sponsorships ranging from
erectile dysfunction medication to motor oil. The fans cheer. The PA announcer then
introduces five NASCAR legends - Richard Petty, Cale Yarborough, Bobby Allison,
David Pearson, and Buddy Baker. 100,000 fans rise to their feet and cheer their
Southern Heroes as they stride to mid-field. As they reach mid-field the ovation comes
to a fever pitch and the decibel level reaches 150. Cale accuses Bobby of putting him in
the wall at the 1971 Holly Farms 400. Petty, Pearson and Baker separate them. A fan
falls from the upper deck, the smell of bourbon and chewing tobacco is in the air.
The PA Announcer then asks for a moment of silence in memory of Dale Earnhardt.
100,000 fans silently remove their hats and bow their heads with 3 fingers in
the air. Grown men weep.
After the NASCAR Tribute, the 700 member University Marching Band struts out on the field to the beat of a lively drum cadence with 100 flag bearers, 150 dance team members, and 16 baton twirlers. They perform an array of songs immortalized by, “Leonard Skynyrd” – all while marching a dizzying drill routine performed in perfect unison and harmony. The performance ends with a bonus rendition of, ”Louie, Louie”. The stands sway to and fro as the fans dance and mumble the few words they know.
Game Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch – break his legs when you tackle him."
Game Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My goodness, that was a violent tackle."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch – break his legs when you tackle him."
When a Visiting Player is Injured:
NORTH: Fans make a run to the concession for more coffee and hot chocolate.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans stand and stare at the hurt player in complete silence. As the injured
player is gently placed onto the cart and driven into the tunnel, the fans applaud
and silently think to themselves, “Damn good hit, we finally got that sumbitch out of the
game”.
Commentary When the Kicker Misses an Extra Point:
NORTH:“Oh well, it’s only one point.”
SOUTH:“Dammit, you sorry sumbitch - why can’t we get that Nigerian on our soccer team to
kick?”
After the Game:
NORTH: Players and coaches immediately shuffle off to the locker room. Parking lot emptied 30
minutes after the game ends.
SOUTH: Teams gather at mid-field to either fight or pray. Players walk perimeter of the field
while looking up into the stands for relatives and friends and raise their helmets in
tribute to their loyal fans. University band plays until all fans have left the stadium.
Another pig is thrown on the cooker. Somebody makes a run for more beer and
bourbon. Planning begins for next week's game. Parking lot finally emptied the next
morning.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern Football!!!!
