A lot can be learned about a person just by looking at what car they drive. It's a known fact that coaches that drive American cars are generally less respected and less literate than those that drive European and Japanese cars. This mirrors society at large though so I thought it might be useful to look at who's driving what and then make some recommendations for HBC Shane Beamer. We can safely assume he is in the market for a fresh whip based on the pay raise he just got. With his salary, he can pretty much get anything he wants short of a pristine low mileage Dodge Raider (which is just a rebadged short-wheelbase Mitsubishi Montero), then again, no one can have what does not exist.
We'll start with the GOAT - Nicky Saban Jr. -
Nick is known to sport a Merc. This is a duh thing. If you're the greatest of all time at anything and you're
not driving a Merc, you're inherently not the greatest. I don't want to push HBC Shane Beamer in this direction though. It would be premature. It would be like a 24 year old HRTM grad from Lancaster leasing a C Class because he accepted a job at Marriott and he used to work night shift at the Days Inn. Wait until someone other than the voice in your head tells you that you made it. Then, if your finances are correct, look into purchasing a Merc. Nothing short of an E Class will do.
Kirby Smart - Literacy is not something anyone would associate with this clown but he did read well enough
to get this contract signed. Looks like he gets $1,800 a month for a car. That's more than enough to get into something sensible like a Toyota or Honda, maybe even a nice Lexus GX460 but it looks like this
"tough kid from Bainbridge" is moping around in a Ford F-150. Everyone knows Ford stands for Found On Road Dead. These new twin turbo V-6 ladder frame golf club haulers are the same pieces of shit the blue oval has been cranking out for more than a century. The nav unit will go out, the headliner will peel off, the rims will chip and flake, and the dealership will charge insane amounts of money to not fix stuff. Makes sense for a Bulldogs coach.
Dabo Swinney - Say what you will about the hyper-sensitive illiterate Alabamian on the throne up in Pickens County but
the dude negotiated a sweet contract in terms of his ride(s). He gets two new cars every year and a cool G a month for 93 octane and some chips. There are some well known stories about
how Dabo has historically gotten around but it looks like
he drives a moped day-to-day. Makes sense. If I were a betting person, I'd say he probably has a new Tahoe in the garage because every redneck thinks that's the greatest car made outside of a lifted Chevrolet truck.
I see HBC Shane Beamer as more sensible than Kirby, better bred and more literate than Dabo, and less of a dick than Saban. I'd say a nice Toyota Avalon would be the sensible thing. They offer it in a color called
Ruby Flare Pearl that is basically Garnet and Toyota offers some sick warranties. Even with all the miles he'll be putting on it cruising up and down 26 and 95, it should be good for the first 10+ years of his tenure. Plus, the back seat is huge which is ideal for driving around tremendous football people. If a sedan is not desirable, a Toyota Sequoia would be another option though gas mileage will be atrocious. Honda is another solid option. The Ridgeline is a sweet truck. It drives like a car but has the hauling capacity of a light truck. Plus, those Honda V-6's sip fuel and are known to last 300k miles. Again, I could see HBC Shane Beamer driving something like this for years.
Let's talk financing. Now is a good time to negotiate with a dealership. Rates are low and they want to move inventory at the end of the year. I don't know if HBC Shane Beamer would be financing or paying cash but I'll assume the latter because of the strength of his contract and his general comportment leads me to believe that he's fiscally responsible and after the age of 30 probably stopped financing most things other than real estate. That said, a lease might be a good option. If he knows that he's going to upgrade every couple of years, why not lease it? They offer low mileage and high mileage leases with service plans. These deals can be very attractive to the right buyer.
I think by year 6 HBC Shane Beamer will be winning 10+ games and really upsetting Clemson and Georgia people. In my opinion, after that first 10 win season, it's Mercedes time. Again, sedan vs SUV is debatable but by that time I would imagine that
Mercedes will be offering some cool all electric vehicles. I would go in this direction and embrace a more progressive and literate image than the competition. Southern football isn't known for it's progressive mindset but HBC Shane Beamer should be the exception rather than the rule in all things. I think the image of a clean cut coach driving a $100,000 electric Mercedes is exactly where we want to be in a few years.
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